


landmines on the battlefield, find the one safe way and stay alive

by everqueen



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3, and neither one of them knows how to talk about the hurt, barry and lup have some shit to work out yall, barry loves his wife you guys he loves her a whole lot, emotional angst, lup loves her husband, sorta light on the comfort in this one but eh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 03:36:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15234453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everqueen/pseuds/everqueen
Summary: Lup is late getting home from work one day.Barry does not handle this well.(title from "Amy aka Spent Gladiator 1" by The Mountain Goats)





	landmines on the battlefield, find the one safe way and stay alive

It’s stupid really.

Lup’s had her body back for a while now.

She hasn’t been gone without him for longer than the odd girls’ weekend with Lucretia and some of the ladies from the Bureau, and even then they checked in by stone every morning and night.

It shouldn’t matter that she’s late getting back tonight.

She just had to finish some paperwork at the office.

They both have interplaner teleportation abilities.

She’s the most powerful person Barry knows.

She’s fine.

None of this stops him from wearing a familiar path in the carpet in their living room, pacing between the kitchen, the front door, the couch, and back again. He nervously summons and de-summons his scythe, nearly slicing through the counter as he does.

He fiddles with his stone with the hand not summoning or banishing the scythe, flipping through contacts. He hovers over Taako’s and Kravitz’s frequencies, and the indecipherable pulsating rune that indicates his goddess.

Not many people can claim to have a deity on speed dial, but then, not many people are Barry J Bluejeans.

He finds little comfort in any of these facts tonight.

He’s just about decided to cut through to the office when there’s a ripping sound in the kitchen.

He hurries in to find his wife stepping out of a portal; ears and shoulders slumped in exhaustion. She perks up when he comes into the kitchen, face lighting up with a grin.

“Hey babe,” she says as he hugs her. “Uhhh, Bear?” He feels her ears drift downwards at the tightness of his hug and tries, unsuccessfully, to hide his relief.

“Hi, Lup,” he says, aiming for casual and missing by a country mile.

“Babe,” she says, holding him at arm’s length, inspecting him closely. He tries not to wince. She’s able to read him like a book; always has been.

(Those 40-some years of mutual pining notwithstanding.)

“I’m just happy you’re back,” he tries to explain, attempting to head off whatever conversation this is going to be.

She frowns at that. “That’s not everything, is it? I’m sorry I’m late; Bird Momma wanted a full rundown of that cult we took down the other day.”

“Yeah, sure, okay,” Barry says, speaking too quickly like he always does when he’s nervous. “Yeah, no problem.”

She narrows her eyes. “It is a problem.”

“What, no, Lup--”

She narrows her eyes further, somehow, and Barry considers again how much he loves this elf.  
(Even if there are other, unfair emotions bubbling up tonight.  
Hold on to the love, and don’t let go. That’s what gets you through.  
If it got him through becoming a lich, it should be enough to get him through this.)

“Hot chocolate,” she says decisively. “You look like we need to talk.”

“It’s fine, you’re tired, we can just, I dunno, go to bed?” he tries.

She shakes her head. “Nope. C’mon, nerd. Start shaving the chocolate.”

She and Taako have an ongoing beef vis a vis the proper way to prep the chocolate for from-scratch hot chocolate. Lup’s in the shaving camp, while Taako prefers a fine dice.  
It’s an argument older than their time in the IPRE.  
He considers getting her started on it, a safer topic, but another glance at his wife as she moves around the kitchen, graceful even in her exhaustion, convinces him otherwise.

Lup burns brighter than anyone he’s ever known, and he means that metaphorically as well as physically.  
She’ll see through that as a distraction in a second, and that would worry her more.

(“Like she’s worried you, since you came to this plane?” a traitorous voice whispers in the back of his mind. “Like she’s still doing, even when you have her back again? _Do_ you have her back again?”  
Barry is very good at ignoring this voice.)

They make the hot chocolate (or rather, Lup does while Barry hands her ingredients) in a silence more strained than comfortable.

“Spill,” she orders, hopping up on the counter and handing him his mug.

Barry’s palms are sweating, and he almost drops it.

“Not literally, ya dingus.”

“S-sorry, heh,” he says, placing the mug safely on the counter.

“Barry, we’ve been married for over 50 years,” Lup says, with that gentleness that still sometimes surprises him even after loving her for over a century. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

(“She didn’t tell you,” that voice whispers. “She just left a note. She wouldn’t even say it to your face.”)

Stalling, he gulps at his burning hot chocolate, eyes watering as the fiery liquid hits his throat.

“Babe,” Lup says. “I _will_ drag Merle out of bed at 3am to cast Zone of Truth.”

He knows she would. “It’s nothing, really,” he says, rubbing at the back of his neck and looking everywhere but into Lup’s eyes. “You were just late, a bit, ya know, and I was, ya know, worried.”

She watches him, eyes sharper than her scythe. “Barry, babe, please, just talk to me.”

He’s reminded of her brother, so many years ago, providing unexpectedly kind advice while they floated in the waters of the most peaceful world they ever visited. Despite the pain, the sacrifices, the decade plus difference between the twins, they’re still so alike.

“You’re distracting yourself,” Lup observes, cutting through his inner monologue, which has become more of a inner desperate ramble at this point. “I can see the paths in the carpet, Bear, And there are nicks in the counter that weren’t there this morning. Were you summoning your scythe?”

Unexpectedly, he finds himself getting frustrated. “You were just late, that’s all,” he says, barely keeping it from a snap.

“I know,” she says, and her voice is infuriatingly soft. Placating. “I am sorry. I should have called.”

He opens his mouth to let out the traitorous voice, for once, but closes it again.  
Too late.  
Those sharp eyes miss nothing.

“Barry, what is it?” she presses, hopping down off the table, hot chocolate set aside and forgotten.

And the voice wins.

“I didn’t know if you were coming back!” he spits, and usually Barry doesn’t _do_ angry. Tired, yeah, and frustrated, sure, but not this, this sick hurt-angry-scared-guilty mix he’s been steadily pushing away in the hopes it will just all stop.  
They should be gone, these feelings. Lup’s back, she’s here, she’s safe. They have their family together again, they have a purpose that isn’t just running away, they’re safe, so why won’t they just _go away_?  
He doesn’t realize he’s said any of this out loud until Lup’s hands land on his arms. She’s staring at him now, and he avoids her eyes again, trying to blink away the angry tears.

“Tell me,” she says, soft, and he snaps again.

“You were _gone_ , Lup, for so long, and you didn’t come back and you didn’t even trust me enough to tell me what your plan was, and that note,” he doesn’t even recognize the laugh that comes out of him then, bitter and ugly. “ _That godsdamned note_ made everything so much worse. And every time, Lup, every time you leave, I can’t shake the feeling that you’re not coming back! That I’m going to walk into the kitchen and find another _note_ and never see you again!”

Lup’s ears are down around her shoulders now (she hasn’t bothered controlling them around him in decades) as she steps back from him. The guilty part of the mix surges upward, crying at him for making his love feel this way. Lup rarely cries, but he thinks he sees a shimmer of tears in her eyes, and that makes him feel so much worse.

“I know I hurt you,” she says carefully. “You and Taako both. And I’m so, so sorry for that. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being sorry for it. But--” she catches his eyes with hers, pins his gaze. “I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stand by and watch our creations, my creation, destroy the world anymore. I couldn’t do it!”

“You sound like Lucretia,” he says bitterly.

“Yeah, well,” she puts her hands on her hips. Even angry, in pain, guilty, Lup doesn’t make herself small.  
(Certainly not after the umbrastaff.)  
“Maybe Creesh had a point.”

“She took you away from me!”

“No, babe,” Lup says, and he sees that fire in her, watches her forcefully tuck it away; she won’t use it for this. “She didn’t take me away from you. I did. I mean, babe, who even knows?” she huffs a laugh, a small, sad thing. “If I hadn’t left, she might never have done what she did, or at least, not in the same way.”

“No, Lup,” Barry says, hating the way his voice shakes. “You left me alone. _She took you away_.”

“I never meant to be gone for so long!” Lup says, ears pulling back. “And I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Barry! I don’t know what to do to fix this!”

“Yeah, well,” he mutters, looking down and kicking at the floor. All of a sudden he’s drained. “Maybe it can’t be fixed. Maybe _we_ can’t be fixed.”

“Barry,” and now Lup sounds scared, and nope, looks like he has enough energy for more guilt after all. “Are we… are we gonna be okay?”

“I don’t know, Lup,” he says, finally meeting her eyes. To his horror, she’s crying too, the tears steaming when they spill and meet her always-burning skin.  
Hesitantly, he opens his arms, and she watches him carefully for a moment before reaching for him, desperately. They embrace, arms locked tight, and end up on the floor clutching at each other. He feels her tears soaking into his shirt and knows she feels the same thing, but neither of them let go.

And they keep not letting go.

None of this could be fixed tonight, Barry knows.

But they have love, and all the time they need.

He holds on tight and prays it will be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> hey it's cha'girl, back at it again with the angst  
> i just couldn't get the thought of barry hurting just as much as taako out of my head, so here's my little take on that  
> i love blupjeans so it means i gotta hurt em
> 
> as always, comments/kudos fuel me
> 
> thanks i love you bye!


End file.
